Sam enjoying some "chicken and sponge" at Abby's Pizza. Miranda preferred to not be in the picture, but is getting ready to eat her olive pizza. My mini pizza is in the foreground: creamy garlic sauce, anchovies, smoked oysters, mushrooms, and feta cheese. Yum, yum.
Miranda: SAM!...(silently checking out the damage)...NO! Just leave my stuff ALONE! Mom! It's not fair!..
Sam:
me: ...sigh, I know.
That is the chorus at our house. It's an old story, a familiar story, it's like Goldilocks and the Three Bears for families with autistic members. Personal boundaries violated. Property destroyed. But autistic people play no favorites and all family members are at equal risk.
Well, almost. Because 10 minutes later, while Miranda regained her emotional balance ( or sulked, whatever term you prefer), I caught Sam roughly examining i.e. getting ready to dismantle, another one of Miranda's bracelets. That was what caused the first uproar. It almost caused the second uproar. But I removed the bracelet from Sam's nervous, curious little fingers and had the nerve to travel down Miranda's private hallway to her room and share my observations with her.
me: Here. She was getting ready to pick apart this one, too.
Miranda: ( indescribable sound of intense disgust)
me: Well, hey. You left it lying there on the end table. Put it away. If you don't want her wrecking all your stuff, at least try to put it away and out of sight. It can only help.
Miranda: Well, I shouldn't have to! Just because it's there doesn't mean it's ok for her to--
me: (honestly, I don't remember what I said at this point, but the point I tried to make was, "Hey, you're sister's AUTISTIC!)
Autistic child vs. typical child, and how is the parent supposed to handle it? First, I think as a parent, regardless of whether or not we have a challenging, disabled child or all typical "normal" children, we are all going to hear, "MOM! IT'S NOT FAIR!" And since our family has an autistic member, I rarely have to do more than sigh and say wearily, "Yes, I know." My point? All kids seem to feel it's the purpose of their young lives to continuously and consistently point out, ad nauseam, how unfair life is for them.
I can't seem to help but point out that my stuff has been ruined, too. Funny enough, I frequently have to point this out to Mick, too, when his belongings have been violated by our beloved. And he takes it about as well as Miranda.
As hard as we try to keep Sam from being the center of the universe, there's no denying that the kids don't get treated exactly the same. Nor should they be. Since we can't treat Sam like we do Miranda, for her own safety, I don't think Miranda would appreciate at all being treated like her sister: 8:30 bedtime, having her teeth brushed for her, never being allowed to go anywhere without a chaperon.
Sam definitely takes more time and gets more attention. More effort had to be made when the girls were younger to make sure Miranda got as close to equal time and attention as we could manage between the two of us. Luckily, now as a teenager, she wants as little of our time and attention as legally possible. Including not being told to put her crap away instead of littering the living room with it.
I don't have to do it anymore, but there was a time when confronted with the accusation of "Not Fair", that I had to give an impassioned response. It's not fair that: Sam can't go out and just ride her bike, that she doesn't get invited to sleep-overs and birthday parties, that she doesn't have friends who call her up and want to hang out, that she may never have a boyfriend, go to college, have a career, have her own family. It's not fair that she'll probably always live with us. Because Sam knows all this, or most of it. And she wants those things even though she doesn't because she couldn't handle it. But no one should think that the autistic child is unaware of just how unfair life can be.
That's a lot to lay on the typical child, on the truly long-suffering sibling, so I don't recommend making a habit of those impassioned speeches. Our kids don't need the baggage, don't need the guilt trip, because they suffer enough.
When Miranda was much younger she put up with some kids who weren't very nice or accepting of her. She was sad, but she faced this every day without tears. Until a couple of the kids teased her about Sam, saying, "Well, Sam doesn't go to REAL school!" And Miranda lost it and came home in tears. Because it was one thing for them to be mean to her, she could handle it ( all three and a half feet, forty pounds of her), but they shouldn't be mean to Sam.
People are more aware of autism and other disabilities than they used to be. But by no means does everyone recognize or understand autism when it's staring them in the face. Yesterday Sam was very upset that I wouldn't take her to "Subway Eat Fresh" before going to the park. She deals with this sort of disappointment by getting angry and loud. Remember, articulate speech is not her strong point. So Sam shakes her head back and forth and gets louder and louder as she demands emphatically, "Subway eat fresh! Subway Eat Fresh! SUBWAY EAT FRESH!" I responded with, "No, we're going to swim here in the park." She was furious and countered with "Walmart Store!"
There were other people around, teenagers, and this sort of behavior, although it doesn't happen every time we go out, meets with stares and sometimes whispers and snickers. Miranda is the most affected by it. She handles it well, but, of course, it upsets her, too. We've all had to develop thick skins and we've all come to realize that the stares and the whispers are less if we remain calm in the face of Sam's storms. Calm is essential.
I try to give Miranda the time with her friends that she needs. Miranda is great about allowing Sam to be with them, too. She's done a great job of picking out friends and wouldn't be interested in friendship with anyone who couldn't accept Sam.
Tonight, Miranda's friend Jessica is spending the night. We will attempt to go to a drive-in movie. Dallas is one of the few places in this country that still has a drive-in theater and I've never been to one. We're hoping Sam will cooperate. We will be using all of our ingenuity to keep her happy and engaged. Our car has the stow and go seats and we will use that to our advantage, making a little camp area. Massive amounts of snacks are an essential.
Luck, be with us.
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